My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
