That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
