Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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