she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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