the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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