Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
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