you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
