I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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