She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
