You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
