its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
