i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
