I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
