I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
