we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
