I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
you traded sex for a burrito?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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