I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
a search helicopter?!
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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