i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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