Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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