the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
