what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
