I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
