I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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