so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
