was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
