fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
