Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I've blown a few things in my day
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
