When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
