I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
