watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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