I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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