My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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