i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
