I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
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