Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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