Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
