Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
