I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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