DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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