this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
