the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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