This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
