ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
