Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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