Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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