I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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