Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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