not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
