I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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