I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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