i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
